My best friend Branden.

As we were in class today, our teacher had a couple of us go up to the front of the class and talk about a subject that she gave us. Mine was on what nags me. Then Branden came up and had to speak. His topic was on what money couldn't buy. Money can buy anything, from hookers to midgets to solid gold pantyhose, whatever your sick little mind can come up with. Well, after I shouted from the back of the room,"Happiness, idiot!" and "women" because he couldn't think of anything, Branden then made this topic of what money couldn't buy about me, which I admit was funny. He said that money couldn't buy me, but I admitted I was for sale. He was telling everyone in the class how long he was my friend, which went from 2 years to a year to just plain old hate. He admitted he doesn't like me, which got some laughs, then said he didn't listen to me when I spoke to him, etc etc. Well Branden, this is for you, my best friend.

Branden, Bill Gates couldn't buy you.

Yes Branden, no amount of money on this planet could buy you, no siree. Because really, who would want a high school junior with outrageous hair, sub-par clothing style, and braces? Not to mention listening to that ever popular "emo" music, which stands for emotional. You know what else is emotional? My foot in your ass. So don't put yourself on the E-Bay market anytime soon, Branden, because you are kind of like Enron stock right now, less expensive than used toilet paper. You know I love you Branden. Not.

Got bored, so here's my desktop. 

This is me and Fowzilla. 

Fowzillas how to guide.

This is another post from Fowzilla, it's a long one, but worth it to read. Enjoy.


Everybody has dreams. Everybody had aspirations. But sometimes we hold ourselves back because we are afraid to take that leap of faith. We might be afraid of failing and embarrassing ourselves or maybe we just don't know where to begin. Well, for those of you who have interest in the areas below, you'll be saying goodbye to your tentative nature after reading my easy-to-follow How to...Tutorials.

How to...Find your soul mate online.

There are billions of people in this world, which can seem a bit overwhelming at times. Especially when you consider the fact that there is only one person out there that is fully compatible with you and meant to be your "partner". That's right, you will be doomed to marry and divorce for eternity unless you find that special someone. The odds are against everyone, which is why many turn to masturbation and asexual reproduction. But what about the portion of the population that is made up of albino hermits with heliophobia and anthropophobia ( the fears of sunlight and people)? If the normal person is destined to have such problems with love, how will this rare group of people stand a chance? Fortunately for them, a savior has arrived at E-Harmony.com I haven't actually been to the site, but this is how I understand how it works. First, you fill out a questionnaire that has numerous topics. After that, the site will give you a list of people that answered at least 29 of the questions the same way you did. This might be the single greatest idea in the history of the world! If someone answers 29 questions the same way you did, they are obviously your soul mate. I suggest meeting the person as quickly as possible, because getting to know them will just delay your love and is a waste of time. Also, if the person lives on the other end of the country, be sure to meet them halfway so that the rendezvous will occur even sooner. But make sure to pick a meeting spot that is easy to find, such as a corn field or a deserted factory. But if you aren't able to drive out and meet the person, at least give them a photo of yourself and your address just in case they happen to be in the area some time.

So finally there is a cure to the cancer that is love. Thank you E-Harmony.com, you're the best.

How to...Turn a hit and run into a profitable situation.

So you're driving down a back road, doing double the speed limit with the artist formerly known as Prince blaring on your radio. At the same time, a resident of the street is walking his dog around the front yard, waiting for him to go number two. All of a sudden, the clip on the leash breaks and the dog runs out into the street about five hundred feet in front of you. You clearly see the dog up ahead, but you figure that it will run out of the way before you get to it. Even an animal can tell when danger is lurking. After two thuds and a bunch of hair in your radiator, you realize that the dog wasn't going to move after all. You slam on the brakes and contemplate whether to stick around or not. Out of fear of what might happen to you because you had a drink or two, you decide to take off. But as you drive away it occurred to you that the dog's owner or another citizen may have seen you and took down your license plate number. This would make a bad situation even worse. Do not fret my friend, for I have the solution. First, you must drive straight to the local hospital and go to the emergency room. Complain of whiplash and make it very believable. Be sure to get a very large neck brace from the doctor before you leave. The next day, go back to the street you hit the dog on, and follow the blood trail to the house his owner lives in. Inform them that you will be suing for the maximum allowed in small claims court, $5,000. When you get to court, be sure to bring up your town's ordinance law that doesn't allow unleashed dogs on public property. Claim that the leash-less dog ran out in front of you, causing you to swerve and ultimately giving you a severe case of whiplash. Although the dog was merely a Chihuahua, hitting it still did extensive damage to your fender. Claim that you need the maximum amount allowed to pay for medical bills, mechanic bills, and pain and suffering due to the embarrassment of going to work as a male stripper with a neck brace on. But go to court knowing that you may not win, because even though you are suing for a righteous cause, some judges will see it differently. This is why I would suggest going on the People's Court. Try to win over not just the judge, but the public as well. That way if you don't win any money, you still get the support of the crowd they interview outside of the courthouse, at least you will still have your pride.

Fowzilla.

Yes, kids, here is another literary work from Fowzilla.

I am appalled at the allegations against Michael Jackson. He is clearly innocent. So in his defense, I have written a short poem entitled, "I love your children more than you do---is that a crime?"


Michael is an extremely light skinned man
His epidermis has never seen the sun
But don't ever make fun of albinos
Because you are ignorant and will be shunned

He likes to give little boys alcohol
He loves to play games and have fun all night long
And if you think you are having fun now
Wait till he pulls out the black lights and bong

When he asks you to join him in his bed
You need not be afraid, it will be okay
He only wants you to be his best friend
He's not a child molester or gay

Don't get scared by his detachable nose
It is a great place to store extra canned goods
It makes for easy cleaning and storage
Which always puts him in the greatest of moods

So our friend Michael would love to meet you
And he will be glad to give you a helping hand
So if some of you boys want a good time
Come take a trip to the Ranch Neverland

No wonder your ratings suck.

It's Sunday, and you know what that means-NOTHING ON TV. Even for those who have 300 channels, or people like me who have 3, there is still nothing even remotely entertaining to watch. Seriously, who in their right state of mind would want to watch a $3000 budgeted movie that has no plot or good characters at that? Unless you are EXTREMELY high, cooking shows are the epitome of boring. If the companies need something to put on the air, I bet I could assemble a team better than any of these no talent hacks they have choking the windpipe of corporate television. With my awesome team of Fowzilla, Desjardin, Shane-o-Mac, lunchbox, and Jesus, we are ready to take on the world. They could stick us on the shittiest network (UPN) and we could make it #1. Besides, who the fuck cares, its Sunday t.v. Even having 5 viewers would beat most stations. Anyways, if even one network threw something on that was good, like old episodes of the simpsons, or family guy, they would be one of the highest watched networks on weekends. This is why kids are always talking about suicide, because there is nothing ever on that is even remotely fun to watch without wanting to throw a javelin into the television. Goodbye, I got some things to do today.

Honk if you love Jesus

I don't even know how this happened...Or how it even started. Thinking about it, we were in Jailene's room, I know that for sure, and it was Me, Ben, Shane, Becca, Jailene, Jess, Mark, and Evan, I think. Well, anyways, we found a lea, (Hawaiian thing) and wrapped it around his head like the crown of thorns. Then he took off his shirt, put on sandals, and stood up on a chair, looking so much like Jesus it was scary. If I can get the pictures from Shane, I'll put them up here. Anyways, we took pictures of him and proceeded to get out of the room because we didn't want to get written up. Someone came up with an idea tat Ben should also wear a loin cloth instead of the shorts he had on. So someone grabbed a sheet, and Ben proceeded to take of his pants, exposing nothing other than men's high cut briefs that made everyone fall over laughing. We took a red pen and drew on his hands and feet and ribs for the blood effect, then decided to drive to Dunkin' Doughnuts where we had our picture taken with the lady who worked there. (Like 2:30 A.M @ this point.) Then came walking MAIN STREET of Willimantic...Has to be one of the most dangerous places, but we has Jesus, who made a semi honk at us and people stare so much I thought they were going to crash, and then walked a ways and came back. Over to WAL*MART we went next, and Shane hit me with a bat, and Ben went skipping with an Easter Basket. We played there for a little while, and came back to the dorms, then to the police station. We wanted a picture with a cop, but she couldn't and told us to find one of the officers patrolling the streets. We sat in front of the dorm, just fucking around, when a cop pulled up, we asked if we could get a picture, she said "Hell, Yeah! I want a picture with J.C" So we then did that ( I need those pictures SHANE) Then talked for a bit then stumbled into bed at about 5:30 ( I didn't get to sleep till 6:55)....It was a good day to be a follower of Jesus...Later

Going once...Going twice...

I'm sorry to inform you that I must write more about the Canterbury Tales, but after going through the entire novel in excruiating detail in my English class, I need some way to vent my fustration. Here is an excerpt from the back of the horrid novel used to sway potential readers/victims.

"It's lively, absorbing, and often outrageously funny, Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales is a work of genius, and undisputed classic that has held a special appeal for each generation of readers"

Hold everything---"Undisputed?" Sure, the load of crap that publishers feed by the shovel full on the back of books is supposed to inflate the novel's appeal, but printing lies is considered libel and is against the law. I dispute the "fact" that the Canterbury Tales is a classic, therefore, the gratuitous brown-nosing on the back cover is a blatant example of false advertisement. Frankly, I am appalled that a British novel penned in the late 1300's would show such disrespect for the United States Constitution. So I plan to take swift legal action against the author of this horrendous tale, Geoffrey Chaucer, and sue him for every penny he has.
Sure, suing someone who has been dead for over 600 years may seem like a lost cause, but one could certainly benefit from a court's decision in their favor. So what could I get if I won the trial of the century ,Fowzilla v.s Chaucer? I have concluded that since most people give away their belongings in their will, the deceased have four main possessions: their gravestone, coffin, the plot of land they were buried in and their actual corpse. These items may seem useless to some, but to an entrepreneur like myself, they are priceless. The first object I will use, the headstone, I will not sell but instead cut into six by six inch blocks to use for a border in my newly planted daffodil/tulip garden. I am going for the depressed look with my vegetation this year. Next, I will utilize the coffin by simply selling it to one of the many gothic students who attend my school. I am certain that those kids are sleeping in coffins, and if they're not, they would be of their parents could afford one. The plan for Chaucer's corpse is also simple: sell it on E-Bay. I'm 100% sure that there is at least one necrophyiliac out there that has a fetish for 14th century authors and couplet poetry. Lastly, with the plot of land at the cemetery, I will set up a compact flower/U.S. flag shop. What do you always see next to tombstones? The patriotic Red, White, and Blue or a large bouquet of flowers. People visiting dead loved ones don't want to look uncool or poor, so if they come to the cemetery empty handed it's ok because I will be selling graveyard necessities at a Reasonable price.
That concludes my plan for Chaucer. So all you dead, sub-par authors out there look out, because Fowzilla is out for blood. Don't allow outrageous claims to be made on the back of your book, or I'll sue the wedding band right off your dead finger.

Plethora of things

Today was a day, just as the last 5,000 or so....No real meaning and I'm not dead yet. Ok, where to begin.... I asked Shane if he stayed a non-smoker, not a chance, and I came up with a good line to persuade him to keep munching on those cancer sticks.

B 56 kOutU: just think of it this way
B 56 kOutU: smoking gets you to god sooner

Shane then had something important to inform the public about.

Shane: we send money and aid to a country that should be quarantined and bombed. We shouldn't send over people to help and industrialize and introduce technology to people who do not even wipe there ass's.. They stink.. We need to let that civilization advance just as we have. No pressure and not forcing religion upon them... All I had to say was...

I concur my friend.

Onto another topic, 7 months w/ Roz today....Tax day, or what I like to call it, "Government gets check from all the hardworking citizens day."

I woke up @ 8 today, missed a class and took 2 tests that I probably failed miserably, yay for me. I can't really think of anything else to say except that Fowzilla wants some hot girls to e-mail him if they could, he thanks and will be back on next week with another article about something totally random and funny. Back tomorrow, I think I'll finish up some lab work. Later.

Presenting....Fowzilla

Here's the 1st entry from Fowzilla, hope more to come in the following weeks.

For those of you who have had to read the Canterbury Tales, I empathize with you. I know the characters are dull, but there is one fairly amusing individual that Chaucer conspicuously left out of the novel. I will not let his character go unnoticed for any longer.

A New Pilgrim In The Canterbury Tales

There was a proctologist from Plainfield.
The mother named this man Dirk Maloney.
In size he was great, and much overweight,
Because he consumed too much boloney.

He told of his great feats as a doctor.
He searched many an anal cavity,
For tumors and lumps, polips and bumps,
But never an ounce of depravity.

In the public eye he was just flawless,
And very much the perfect model sage.
But when he's at home, he breaks the lawn gnomes,
And everything else in a drunken rage.

Sometimes Dirk can be considered a jerk.
When intoxicated he's just a fiend.
His vomit makes pools, but he is no fool.
When he wakes he makes the wife and kids clean.

So Dirk isn't the man he seems to be.
Even to his wife, whos known him since a teen.
For when she's asleep, from the house he creeps,
And becomes Martha the blonde-haired drag queen.


This has been a presentation of Fowzilla's work, Later Days.

Pay my bail in advance...WTF?

was driving home from school today (skipped last period and sopping wet) and I heard a commercial on the radio. It was already turned up, so I figured I would listen. It was for a bail company, saying that they could pay your bail, blah, blah some bullshit whatever. Anyways, at the end, they also said that you could call them and pay your bail in advance....What the fuck? You must have E.S.P. or something, because how the hell do you know when you are going to get arrested next? The only thing that I could find useful about this is if I was a coke dealer or some shit like that so I could get right back on the street, serving rocks to this fine community. I would like to meet someone who pays their bail in advance, and what kind of job that they have, most likely a dealer. Anyways, I thought that I would share that with you because it sounds so fucked up and idiotic to pay for getting out of jail when you're not even there.....Yet.

Oh yes, very special announcement, introducing once a week now (starting tomorrow...I think) Fowzilla will entertain us with his own stories that will be sure to make you wonder what goes on in that mind of his. Stay tuned, mothafuckers. Later

How to end war, step one, set oven to 350 degrees...

You don't need bombs, guns, and tanks to win a war. In fact, you really don't need much, only an oven and a box of cookie mix. If we just gave those Iraqi bastards some cookies, I am sure they would immediately give over Osama to us, especially for one of those badass 30 packs of Mrs. Field's cookies and a microwave to get them all gooey..mmmmmm. Seriously, cookies are like the next best thing to finding a one-hundred dollar bill on the street or free porn on TV,and no, not that soft-core shit either. Full girl on girl action, yeehaw. I bet that the German's would have given up WWI and II if we just whipped up a couple batches of cookies. I think Hitler was a oatmeal raisin kind of guy; he probably would have let all the Jews go too if we made them good enough. Then, we would put some on the ground in a line until it got under a cage, then catch the little bastard. BOOM! War all friggen done. The government should hire someone to find out what kind of cookie every enemy of us liked (that's a a lot of enemies) so we could do the same exact thing. One drawback....Would they eat the cookies off the ground? Anyways, cookies kick ass, they should also be turned into currency, who the hell cares if we can eat it? There is always room to make some more. Anyways, school was boring as always today, and we (Shane, Me, and Matt) are still wondering if that guy in the parking lot was going to have a baby, it seriously looked like he was a short, pregnant man. I bet Matt $50 if he would go over and ask "hey fella, is that gonna be a boy or a girl?" Wouldn't you? Ok, back to homework or whatnot, catch ya later.

Now i have 2

2 journals, one in here and one @ livejournal, i'll see which one stays. Later