Fowzillas how to guide.

This is another post from Fowzilla, it's a long one, but worth it to read. Enjoy.


Everybody has dreams. Everybody had aspirations. But sometimes we hold ourselves back because we are afraid to take that leap of faith. We might be afraid of failing and embarrassing ourselves or maybe we just don't know where to begin. Well, for those of you who have interest in the areas below, you'll be saying goodbye to your tentative nature after reading my easy-to-follow How to...Tutorials.

How to...Find your soul mate online.

There are billions of people in this world, which can seem a bit overwhelming at times. Especially when you consider the fact that there is only one person out there that is fully compatible with you and meant to be your "partner". That's right, you will be doomed to marry and divorce for eternity unless you find that special someone. The odds are against everyone, which is why many turn to masturbation and asexual reproduction. But what about the portion of the population that is made up of albino hermits with heliophobia and anthropophobia ( the fears of sunlight and people)? If the normal person is destined to have such problems with love, how will this rare group of people stand a chance? Fortunately for them, a savior has arrived at E-Harmony.com I haven't actually been to the site, but this is how I understand how it works. First, you fill out a questionnaire that has numerous topics. After that, the site will give you a list of people that answered at least 29 of the questions the same way you did. This might be the single greatest idea in the history of the world! If someone answers 29 questions the same way you did, they are obviously your soul mate. I suggest meeting the person as quickly as possible, because getting to know them will just delay your love and is a waste of time. Also, if the person lives on the other end of the country, be sure to meet them halfway so that the rendezvous will occur even sooner. But make sure to pick a meeting spot that is easy to find, such as a corn field or a deserted factory. But if you aren't able to drive out and meet the person, at least give them a photo of yourself and your address just in case they happen to be in the area some time.

So finally there is a cure to the cancer that is love. Thank you E-Harmony.com, you're the best.

How to...Turn a hit and run into a profitable situation.

So you're driving down a back road, doing double the speed limit with the artist formerly known as Prince blaring on your radio. At the same time, a resident of the street is walking his dog around the front yard, waiting for him to go number two. All of a sudden, the clip on the leash breaks and the dog runs out into the street about five hundred feet in front of you. You clearly see the dog up ahead, but you figure that it will run out of the way before you get to it. Even an animal can tell when danger is lurking. After two thuds and a bunch of hair in your radiator, you realize that the dog wasn't going to move after all. You slam on the brakes and contemplate whether to stick around or not. Out of fear of what might happen to you because you had a drink or two, you decide to take off. But as you drive away it occurred to you that the dog's owner or another citizen may have seen you and took down your license plate number. This would make a bad situation even worse. Do not fret my friend, for I have the solution. First, you must drive straight to the local hospital and go to the emergency room. Complain of whiplash and make it very believable. Be sure to get a very large neck brace from the doctor before you leave. The next day, go back to the street you hit the dog on, and follow the blood trail to the house his owner lives in. Inform them that you will be suing for the maximum allowed in small claims court, $5,000. When you get to court, be sure to bring up your town's ordinance law that doesn't allow unleashed dogs on public property. Claim that the leash-less dog ran out in front of you, causing you to swerve and ultimately giving you a severe case of whiplash. Although the dog was merely a Chihuahua, hitting it still did extensive damage to your fender. Claim that you need the maximum amount allowed to pay for medical bills, mechanic bills, and pain and suffering due to the embarrassment of going to work as a male stripper with a neck brace on. But go to court knowing that you may not win, because even though you are suing for a righteous cause, some judges will see it differently. This is why I would suggest going on the People's Court. Try to win over not just the judge, but the public as well. That way if you don't win any money, you still get the support of the crowd they interview outside of the courthouse, at least you will still have your pride.