Back again.
After a long absence from this page, I am happy to inform you that Fowzilla has returned with a new article, enjoy.
Jibberish with a "J"
The other day I want into a Subway and ordered a peanut butter and jelly grinder. I was laughed out of the store by the workers. Why is the thought of a PB & J grinder so amusing? Why can this delicacy not be found at Subway? Peanut butter and jelly is by far the most popular flavor for a sandwich, which I can prove from the extensive research I did while in elementary school. As a young child I was larger than most of the other kids in school, so I took it upon myself to do a "survey" of the smaller children's lunches. The vast majority went with peanut butter and jelly. So Subway, listen to my words, nature has proven that nuts and sticky substances go well together well, so put it on the menu.
Have you ever heard of a Moo-Moo? I'm not too familiar with it either, but apparently it is a gown that fat people wear. Why would and obese individual choose to wear such an incriminating piece of clothing? If I were overweight, I would wear something that is named after the sound of a thinner animal, such as a meow-meow. I heard that the gowns used to be called cockadoodledoo-cockadoodledoos, but because of an over abundance of syllables and to avoid gratuitous sexual innuendo, the fat nation settled for moo-moo.
Blood drives are great events. But many people need blood, which causes a never ending shortage. The Red Cross can never get enough blood, but it is their own fault. This paragraph goes out to all those higher-ups at the Red Cross who are making the important decisions. You guys are approaching the situation in the wrong manner. At the last blood drive I participated in, they gave out hates to all the donors. "Wow, I just received a hat. Let me go give more blood!" For some strange reason, I don't think the previous statement went through any of the donor's minds. You need to give them more incentive to give their ever precious hemoglobin. I have come up with a sure fire slogan to draw in the donors: "If you got a boner, come be a donor!" I propose that the Red Cross have all the people taking blood be female, and that they give hand jobs to the male donors. Believe me, this will draw in a lot more men than a free hat will.
Are you familiar with the term, "A baker's dozen"? Most donut shops connoisseurs get a warm fuzzy feeling when they hear the phrase, but I just don't believe it is fair to let this nonsense go on. There is even a chain of donut shops called "The Baker's Dozen". Someone needs to go down there and tell them that a dozen is only twelve, they're cheating themselves out of money.
Have you ever walked up a flight of stairs behind someone who is skipping stairs? I don't know about you, but that has never impressed me all that much. But have you ever been behind someone who is skipping stairs on the way down without holding onto the railing? I find that to be amazing. It takes a tremendous amount of foot-eye coordination to complete such a task. And think of all the time that could be saved by skipping the stairs on the way down. I can't do it, but if I could, I would be pretty damn proud. Let's say that I was filling out an application for employment, I would definitely list "can skip stairs-ON THE WAY DOWN" as a skill. Then when I got to the interview, I would be sure to mention it. "So Fowzilla, do you have any skills that might help you specifically as a secretary?" "Well, no I don't, but I can do things with a soccer ball you can only dream of. And if because of some unfortunate turn of events I happen to be in a freak accident and lose the use of both my arms, I could probably still complete most menial tasks such as typing and document sorting with my toes.
A big part of many English classes is expository writing. And I do agree that it is good to let the students open up their minds and create something original, but if they don't have any inspiration, something must be done. This is why I tell teachers to screw expository writing, and embrace suppository writing. How it works is the student takes fifteen minutes out of each day and writes a short work of fiction. They then fold it up as tightly as possible and place it in the dissolvable suppository capsule given to them by their teacher. Once the suppository is sealed up, the student places it up his or her rectum as far as the middle finger will reach. The logic behind it is that the colon is the part of the body where water is taken out of the wastes and put into the body. Once the suppository dissolves, the information from the writings will be absorbed, along with the water, into the body. After about a week of this, the student should have enough original ideas stored up in them to create a great, full length work of fiction.
