5.19.2004

Fun with Fecal Matter.

Another post by Fowzilla.

Several species of primates throw their feces to deter predators and impress the female monkeys. Beavers eat their own poo because tree bark doesn't fully digest the first time through (and because it tastes so damn good). Unfortunately, we humans rarely ever utilize the goldmine that is our fecal matter. We just drop the kids off at the pool and never see them again. So I have come up with a few hypothetical situations that haven't actually happened (or maybe they have) to give our readers some fresh takes on poop usage.

To hell with the Flies.

If there is one thing I hate about the warmer weather, it is flies. They make no sense whatsoever. Why must you continually land on me when I am trying to watch T.V. in the living room? My house is fairly large, and is extremely large when viewed through your eyes, so just go bug the Bulldog in the other room. But unfortunately, the Flies never take my pleas into consideration, so last week I decided to take things into my own hands. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a paper plate. I then proceeded to take a big crap on it and spray with Febreze. I placed the paper plate in the middle of the living room on the floor, and the Flies didn't bother me after that.

Honorable Discharge.

Last Summer, I worked at an ice cream shop. I have nothing bad to say about the work, as the management treated the employees well and the work environment was postitve. But there was something about scooping Ice Cream out for senior citizens all say long that was kind of demeaning. After three weeks of work, I decided that the job was not for me, but I was too timid to tell the boss I wanted out. So I came up with a great plan to get myself fired.
On a particular day, a woman came up to the window and asked for a medium cone fudge berry swirl frozen yogurt. Good choice, I thought, but bad timing. I grabbed a large waffle cone and then proceeded to the bathroom. This did not raise the lady's suspicions because of the set up of the Ice Cream shop (The customers stand outside and talk to us through a window). Once in the bathroom, I filled the cone with a large amount of feces that I had been saving up in me for about 48 hours. I returned to the patron and handed her the cone. After the screams died down, I explained myself. "Ma'am, I don't see a need for the hysteria just because I didn't get your exact flavor. We ran out of fudge berry swirl earlier today, so instead I gave you the first scoops of a brand new Ice Cream we just got yesterday, Double Dutch Chocolate. Yeah, I heard that flavor is great. And because we couldn't get the exact kind that you wanted, I even upgraded your cone to a large and added nuts free of charge. Yep, those nuts were free!" A few minutes later I was fired and my mission was complete.

5.18.2004


This is what QVC should really stand for. Quality Value Channel...Hardly. Posted by Hello

QVC can shove it.

Flipping through my whole 20 channels I get, (thanks Mom and Dad) when it lands on QVC. All I am thinking to myself...Crap. They are trying to peddle mindless, useless things to middle American idiots who try and keep up with "the latest fashions". How many things can you say about a piece of clothing or a 14k chain? Those models must be all deaf, because there is no way they can listen to this verbal diarrhea day in and day out. I hate how they just stand there, trying to keep a straight face when really they just want to blurt out, "Wow, what a piece of crap! Only a mentally retarded person who stole a credit card would purchase this. Another thing, easy payments? Nothing is easy about 3 payments of two-hundred dollars. In the words of Mitch Hedberg, "They should make 2 easy payments, then one really hard one, just to piss some people off." It's easier to just GO TO THE STORE. Maybe these obese shut-ins can melt off a few pounds if they just walked to the store. I had a weird neighbor who taped QVC when she went out...Jesus save us. I wanted to just slap her. If you can talk mindless amounts of crap without ever feeling the need to call the suicide hotline, I suggest you audition as a speaker on QVC. One last thing, they must pay callers to phone the station to ramble on about how this is the miracle product blah blah blah. I wager that 99.995% of the people who call are either mentally unbalanced or live in a trailer park. Try and find a fault there. So if you need some mind numbing talk about a product...Turn it to QVC. Later.

5.16.2004


Jesus is no lightweight. Posted by Hello


Even Jesus is not above the law. Posted by Hello


Jesus lives at E.C.S.U Posted by Hello

Name:
Location: CT

At Western Conn. State University.

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