Fun with Fecal Matter.

Another post by Fowzilla.

Several species of primates throw their feces to deter predators and impress the female monkeys. Beavers eat their own poo because tree bark doesn't fully digest the first time through (and because it tastes so damn good). Unfortunately, we humans rarely ever utilize the goldmine that is our fecal matter. We just drop the kids off at the pool and never see them again. So I have come up with a few hypothetical situations that haven't actually happened (or maybe they have) to give our readers some fresh takes on poop usage.

To hell with the Flies.

If there is one thing I hate about the warmer weather, it is flies. They make no sense whatsoever. Why must you continually land on me when I am trying to watch T.V. in the living room? My house is fairly large, and is extremely large when viewed through your eyes, so just go bug the Bulldog in the other room. But unfortunately, the Flies never take my pleas into consideration, so last week I decided to take things into my own hands. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a paper plate. I then proceeded to take a big crap on it and spray with Febreze. I placed the paper plate in the middle of the living room on the floor, and the Flies didn't bother me after that.

Honorable Discharge.

Last Summer, I worked at an ice cream shop. I have nothing bad to say about the work, as the management treated the employees well and the work environment was postitve. But there was something about scooping Ice Cream out for senior citizens all say long that was kind of demeaning. After three weeks of work, I decided that the job was not for me, but I was too timid to tell the boss I wanted out. So I came up with a great plan to get myself fired.
On a particular day, a woman came up to the window and asked for a medium cone fudge berry swirl frozen yogurt. Good choice, I thought, but bad timing. I grabbed a large waffle cone and then proceeded to the bathroom. This did not raise the lady's suspicions because of the set up of the Ice Cream shop (The customers stand outside and talk to us through a window). Once in the bathroom, I filled the cone with a large amount of feces that I had been saving up in me for about 48 hours. I returned to the patron and handed her the cone. After the screams died down, I explained myself. "Ma'am, I don't see a need for the hysteria just because I didn't get your exact flavor. We ran out of fudge berry swirl earlier today, so instead I gave you the first scoops of a brand new Ice Cream we just got yesterday, Double Dutch Chocolate. Yeah, I heard that flavor is great. And because we couldn't get the exact kind that you wanted, I even upgraded your cone to a large and added nuts free of charge. Yep, those nuts were free!" A few minutes later I was fired and my mission was complete.