The 9 Phases Of Drinking.

You all know drinking is the devil, or heaven in a bottle for some of you. Here is, what I think, are the phases of "Alcohol Consumption."


Feeling it- You are one or two shots or beers into drinking. Speech and movement isn't impaired in any way. Whatever you're drinking still tastes like alcohol, and you might feel a little bit more relaxed.

Buzzed- This phase is varied between heavy and light drinkers, it could be anywhere from 2 to 5 drinks, depending on how much you like the sauce. You feel a bit under the influence, but not much. That kid sitting next to you who keeps talking about nothing is getting quite annoying. A few more drinks in you, and contemplating hurling a chair at him pops into your mind, but you won't do it....Yet. Beer starts to taste less like shit and more like nothing.

Cocked- Now there are atleast 4+ drinks but no more then 6 in your system. This is the point where it seems like you want to take a piss every 5 minutes or so. At this point, you freely speak your mind, but can shut up if you want to. The body becomes more relaxed, and a few slurred words come out from time to time. This is the best phase of drinking I think, enough to feel good, but not enough to go streaking down the street and making a fool of yourself.

Hammered- There are six to nine drinks now in your system. This is considered the point of no return. If you haven't thrown up already, theres a good chance you will in the coming phases. If you close your eyes, you can feel your body swaying slightly, and it's kind of a pain to stand up straight. If you are a smoker or not, you're probably outside lighting one up.

Drunk- You don't care anymore...about anything. Stupidity flies out of your mouth, and possibly vomit too. It is very apparent that you are under the influence, mainly judging by lighting cigarettes backwards and using the side of the house as a leaning post. That girl everyone said was, "busted" starts to look very, very appealing even with her lazy eye. This is the last time you will be somewhat coherent for the rest of the night, so telling the hot girls you wanna bang them and telling the annoying kid he's a fuckface is not out of the question.

Sloshed- You have consumed 11+ drinks. Your ass is either in a chair, on the ground, or dry humping the ugly chick. Walking is now a chore, but you keep drinking if you can make up the coordination to put the cup to your mouth. If you are in the living room, you keep your eyes open in fear of becoming a marker board from your friends. This is usually where the brick wall hits, and more sober idiots keep messing with you and coax you into playing one last game of Beirut.

Trashed- 13+ drinks. Everything that happens from this point on you will learn the day after from your buddies. If you are by chance drinking Jagermeister, you most likely killed 2 people. Anything else though, you love every person in the room. You get your second wind right about here, so you keep on drinkin'. The pack of smokes you bought is just about empty, and so is your brain. You can't think straight, but you still call atleast five people who aren't at the party and tell them how much alcohol you've consumed. The calls usually sound like, "Dude....I'm so fucked up," in a barely audible voice. McDonald's sounds really good, but no one is sober enough to drive, so you scour the kitchen for any sign of food.

Blacked Out- Can't really say much about this phase except it means you drank too much for your dumb ass and you passed out somewhere.

Hung Over- The last and probably most painful phase of drinking. The next thing you will see besides the toilet is morning...Or the face of the chick you slept with. She appears a hell of a lot worse then last night, and I am sure that is enough of a reason to get out of the bed. You venture downstairs to be briefed by your friends on all the stupid acts you did, like peeing on cars, picking fights with lawn ornaments, and the he/she you were sucking face with last night. The hang over does not set in immediately, but about an hour later. They don't tell you about the drawings of male genitals on your forehead, but you will find out soon enough. This is also the day where you pray to God to make this all go away if you promise to stop drinking. Everything sucks today, so napping and eating all day is good. Of course, you plan the next time you are going to get through the 9 steps.